The Doubt Amongst the Growth

This isn’t one of my usual posts. I began writing this post about my pregnancy fears when I was 8 weeks pregnant and in the midst of morning sickness. I haven’t had the courage to post it until now.

I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or undeserving of this life growing inside of me. I didn’t want my baby to know that this was how I was feeling. But it is something that I want to share in case you feel like this too.  

My third pregnancy has been full of doubts and fears. It has confronted me in a myriad of ways that my other pregnancies didn’t.

Since I started writing this post, I have spoken to so many mothers. First time mothers, second and third time mothers. All experiencing doubts. At times feeling guilty that they aren’t as happy or grateful or joyful as they should be.  

Pregnancy is a spiritual experience. It delivers to us the lessons we need to learn.

Sometimes harshly. Often uncomfortably. Almost always necessary for our role as mothers. Through each of my pregnancies I have been on a journey towards finding my truest self. I have shed so many of the labels that used to define me. I am almost a different person to the one I was 6 (almost 7) years ago. I have discovered levels of strength and love that I didn’t know I had. I have had to learn to surrender and trust time and time again.  

Just when I thought I was a pro at this pregnancy thing. Sharing my experienced mother wisdom, I have been made to realise how much I still have to learn. This pregnancy I have fought the experience every step of the way. I have battled with the nausea, the pain that will not go, the doubts about how I will manage. I have battled with my bodies ability to grow and birth this baby.  

Instead of accepting the fears. Instead of allowing them to surface, I have tried to brush them aside with positive thoughts. Don’t jinx yourself! Don’t be selfish. Stop thinking that. Be grateful.  

At 8 weeks pregnant and in the midst of terrible morning sickness, I was full of doubts about my bodies ability to hold this baby.

I had never been fearful of miscarriage, but this time I was. I have never worried about having a healthy baby, but this time I did. Maybe it is my age (at 35 I’m now considered a geriatric mother!). Maybe it is because I already have two healthy children and already feel too lucky. Maybe it is because some part of me is doubting whether I could do this again. I have been sick this pregnancy. I was sick in my others, but this time seemed exaggerated. Exacerbated. I didn’t feel as strong as I used to. I felt more fragile, more vulnerable. At 26 weeks pregnant, I couldn’t walk Allegra the 5 minute walk to school without wetting my pants. I also had terrible pubic pain which made every step painful. One day I arrived home, took off my wet pants and sat on the toilet. I could feel my prolapse bulging. Anyone with a prolapse will know that feeling like your insides are coming out is a feeling of helplessness and despair.

Feeling that way and knowing that you have another 4 months of pregnancy is a recipe for a breakdown. I broke down.   It wasn’t just my body. It was everything. Doubting whether I can raise three children given that I already feel at my limit raising two. Fearful that the business I have invested so much time and effort into will just fade away. Worried about how will I go and get a coffee. With 3 kids.

OMG. I will give up coffee. One of my last treats. One of the last things that makes me feel cool. I don’t want to give up coffee. What was I crying about again? Oh yes, my vagina falling out. Yes, that too. I want it inside. Tony Robbins says there is no breakthrough without a breakdown. And whilst there was no instant epiphany, something did switch that day.   And what I realised is this.   There is always doubt amongst the growth. Not always rational, but definitely there. The doubts pop into my head as I am sure a million of tiny little fears pop into yours. Don’t discount them. They are real. They are yours. Don’t push them away. Sit with them. Allow them space. And then, realise that you are stronger than any doubt your brain can conjure.  

First-time mothers often worry about how their body will change. I know I did. They worry when they can’t stop eating crap in the first trimester. They worry about their work. I worried about how my ginormous baby was going to fit out that tiny little hole between my legs. Now I worry about how the ginormous hole between my legs is going to hold in that tiny little baby. The doubt is still there. It’s a different doubt which is exciting, but the doubt is still there.  

Second time mothers worry about having the capacity to love anyone as much as they love their first. They worry about not being able to care for their second the way they did their first. They worry that they haven’t bonded with their baby as much this time around. They worry that they are already too blessed.  

Third and fourth time mothers worry that they can handle it. They are already running on empty. Do they have the inner strength to care for this baby. Can they handle the sleepless nights again. Will they have any body left to repair? Will they ever be invited anywhere again?  

“Oh no, not Kimmy and all her children……how many does she have now? Like 10 or something. Chaos!”

The doubt is always there. The fears, the guilt. It’s part of the parcel of this miracle of pregnancy. Hidden in all these fears and doubts are the lessons that we need to learn. They are the lessons that will help us to be better mothers / humans.  

These fears, these doubts are often a lack of clarity of what the future will bring. I do not know what the future will look like, but I do know that it will be different to my present. Different in a million and one amazing ways and different in a hundred and one sucky ones.  

The thing to try to remember, or try to discover is that you will be strong enough to cope with any change. You will adapt. You will grow. Your heart will expand in a million ways that you never even contemplated. The fears that you are working about now will seem insignificant compared to the things that will keep you awake once your baby arrives in the world. Then those fears will fade. You will adjust again and again and again until you wonder why you were ever doubtful of your own strength in the first place. Will your body change. Most likely, your body will never be the same again. It will be a shock. And then it will be frustrating. And then you will get to work creating a new strong for yourself. A new body. And you will feel proud. Look at this body. It produced a life. It grew a family.   Your relationship will change. Yes. You will need to put more work into it to keep it afloat. It is worth it. Never forget the value of each other. More respect, less phones, more presence. More love. More compassion. I’m not a relationship expert but I can see that I need more of all of this in my own relationship.   Your work will change. When your entire value system changes, how you approach work will change. Eventually. Some of you may cling to your old style of working for years. You may fight to keep your old values. Don’t fight. Embrace the change. Create a new lifestyle for yourself. You deserve to be able to live life according to your terms. Even if your terms have changed.   You will change. You will grow in wisdom, waist circumference, love and joy. And it will all be incredibly worth it.   Kimmy x Need Support? I hope this post in someway made you feel a bit more comforted about those so called negative thoughts that we all have. If you are suffering from doubt or fear there are some incredible resources to support you. COPE. The Centre of Perinatal Excellence has recently launched Ready to COPE, a free e-newsletter that provides women with relevant information about their emotional and mental wellbeing throughout their pregnancy and first twelve months following the birth of their baby. It’s filled with supportive and non-judgmental insights, comfort and strategies for coping with common challenges faced during this special, but often vulnerable, time as well as information on the common mental health conditions and when, how and where to get help if needed.
PANDA.  Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia supports women, men and families across Australia to recover from post and antenatal depression and anxiety, a serious illness that affects around 100,000 Australian families every year.